Perfect

I'm just going to come out and say it: I long for perfection. I would be thrilled if everything I said, did, or touched would come out perfectly. This lovely idol of my heart has been carefully crafted and developed over years and years. The most pressing thing that my heart longs for is safety and somewhere in my mind dwells the lie that I am the best person to ensure my safety. After all, I know exactly what kind of safety I am longing for, right? Another lie that has lodged itself in my warped and tiny, short-sided heart: perfection is one way to obtain my own safety. If only I was perfect... No one would ever think anything bad about me, or at least if they did, everyone would know they were wrong. No one could ever take advantage of or exploit my weaknesses because I wouldn't have any! No one would ever gossip about me because there wouldn't be any "fun" dirt to talk about. I would never be thought of as ridiculous, petty, silly, dumb, proud, or bossy because I would speak and respond to everyone in my life perfectly. Just think of how "safe" I would be if I was perfect! And so, in my sinful flesh I strive day after day to make sure that everything in my life is presented as perfect. I carefully control, plan, and dictate my life in order to obtain the "safest" results.

God has been working for many years now to convince me of His perfection and that I am safest when hidden in His hands. Lately, however, it seems that He perfectly planned a series of completely uncontrollable events in my life. Moving, living out of boxes, the giant pile of crumbs (basically whole meals) under the 2 highchairs in our dining room, health issues, parenting, piles and piles of never ending laundry, yardwork that begs me to come free it from it's overgrown prison, relationship struggles, water pouring from my new kitchen ceiling (4 times!), my foster daughters' hurting and insecure hearts, discovering wet laundry that has molded, ... oh, and potty training! Now each and every one of these things listed could fill a whole blog post in and of itself, but that's not the point. The point is that God mercifully continues to bring me back to a place where I am faced with my own imperfection.

I'll share one story to illustrate my point... Potty training is a huge reality check for a perfectionistic control freak. Yesterday morning was going really well. One of my best friends was planning to come by and chat for awhile and I was super excited to see her. I had everything all planned out. I knew what I wanted to accomplish before she came, what point the kiddos needed to be in their schedules, which room of the house I was going to make presentable, everything. With about 30 minutes until her arrival, "A" had just gone potty in her potty chair which gave me hope for a good visit. I put her panties back on and went upstairs to release "N" from a time-out. After a little, inspiring chat with her, I returned downstairs only to have my mouth fall open in shock. "A" had removed her panties, peed, and then pooped on the floor. To top that off, she and her younger sister had then played in it (apparently poop is fun to touch???). The poop was spread all over the floor, the bookshelf, the legos, the dolls, the couch, and....themselves! They were covered in poop and they both had the nerve to grin at me from their poop-covered faces! Gross. Needless to say, I was saying prayers of thankfulness each moment the doorbell didn't ring while I was cleaning that mess up!

This power struggle with God for perfection continues to be a struggle in my heart and life, but I am beginning to be so very joyful in and thankful for my imperfections. Why?

• Seeing my imperfections so clearly makes me long for true perfection and there is only one place that is found: in the finished work of my Savior on the cross! I am not perfect, but He is perfect and so I long for Him.

• Recognizing my imperfections and those in this fallen world cause me to long for the day when God's perfect plan will be complete. God designed the world in perfection! The desire for perfection is from Him and in sync with His perfect plan! There will come a day when all will be made right, when Christ will conquer once and for all, and when God's perfect order will be restored. How I long for that day!

• The consistency of my failings cause me to be thankful for my wonderful husband. God created marriage as a picture of our relationship with Him and, though not perfect, my husband is a wonderful representation of that perfect love to me. He knows I'm not perfect. In fact, he would probably laugh if anyone tried to convince him that I was! He has seen me fall apart even while desperately trying to maintain control. He has bourne the brunt of my sin, and he has watched me try the same things over and over again even though "my way" continues to result in brokenness. And he loves me! I am safe with him.

• Resting in the safety of my husband's love draws me, once again, to my Savior. I am so thankful for this earthly love and safety that is a mere shadow of the perfect love and safety found in my relationship with Christ. I can rest in my failures, short-comings, and imperfections even as I strife for the perfection of Christ because I am covered in Christ's blood. He holds me in His perfection and I am perfectly safe.